Working Toward A Meaning

The last couple of days have been a little tough. I have been thinking a lot about my maternity leave and returning to work and have had a lot of trouble trying to wrap my head around my inevitable return to work. Before I had my son I just assumed it would be a fairly easy and smooth transition. I even thought I would take only 6-9 months off for maternity leave. Now, at the almost 6 month mark, I am not so sure. It has been causing some anxiety and the unknown is making me feel down in the dumps so I am trying to tackle it head-on.

I am struggling to figure out how it will all work. I thought that I would go back early or, at the very least, go back part time before the year was up. Now I have all these doubts. How do I feel about having someone else take care of my baby when he is so young? Will I feel that I am missing out on him growing up and watching him learn? They change so much in the first year! Will I ever feel ready to go back to work full/part time? How will I afford any of this? Are these questions harder to answer because I don't know if I love my job?


I am carrying some guilt about taking the full year off. I work at a small company that is male-dominated. I am the only professional female there. I am the first person to take maternity leave at the company. I feel that I should be stepping up and getting back to work ASAP. It doesn't help the guilty feelings when the boss makes off-handed comments about how his wife only took 3 months off. Granted, they are not pressuring me to return early, although they have mentioned that they would like to have me back as soon as I can. And it makes me feel guilty. Will this effect my position in the company in the future? Will this change my chances of becoming a partner?

I have decided that no matter when I decide to/have to go back to work it is going to be hard. I will miss being with my son every day. Don't get me wrong, I do miss my job and having a career right now, but I will miss my son when I go back. So maybe part time work (at least at the beginning) makes sense.

The next question I try to tackle is finances. My ideal plan would be to ease back into working part time (either before the year is up or at the one year mark). But how will I be able to work it out financially? Most day cares require that you pay for full time care when your child is so young regardless of if your child is there full time or part time. Full time daycare is expensive and would mean that my part time salary would not have a lot left over to pay for other household/living expenses. To me that means that going back to work part time before the year is up doesn't really make much sense financially. Maybe I would try part time once the year is up and just suffer financially for a few more months...?

Finally, I have messed up the whole thought process by asking myself if I really like my job and do I really want to/see myself doing this job for the rest of my life? I don't know. This is a whole other can of worms. I don't mind my job, but there have been a few times in the past when I have hated it. But what would I love to do? What would make me happy (and make decent money)? And how do I decide what to try and do? What if it means more school? Starting from the bottom again? Am I ready for any or all of these things? I don't want to just stay where I am because it is easier. I want to be happier overall, and a person's career is a major part of their day to day life. But what if I go through all the time and effort of making a change (read: going back to school) just to find out that I am not happier at the new job?

In the end I am left with more questions. Questions about money, time, and if there is a better job (ie a job that is better suited for me, not just something that pays better) out there for me. And one final question: How do I go about figuring all of this out?

Talking it out like this is usually my first step. My next step is usually to sleep on it - keep moving forward while I think about these things in the back of my head. Hopefully I will be able to come to some sort of subconscious understanding of what I really want/need to do or, at the very least, come up with some strategies for tackling these problems and finding solutions.

In the meantime, I find the best medicine is to put my head down and accomplish some things that will help me feel better on a day to day basis while my mind stews on these issues. I am making myself a list of things that need to get done around the house and projects that I have started and need to finish. I am a goal-oriented person, so these short term goals will help me to be positive while I work on the big picture.

I am going to look on the bright side now. I guess after thinking it through I am going to take the full year off after all. At least this gives me some time right now to work though these thoughts and try to decide what I would like to do. All that's left is to gently break this news to my boss...