The last couple of days have been a little tough. I have been thinking a lot about my maternity leave and returning to work and have had a lot of trouble trying to wrap my head around my inevitable return to work. Before I had my son I just assumed it would be a fairly easy and smooth transition. I even thought I would take only 6-9 months off for maternity leave. Now, at the almost 6 month mark, I am not so sure. It has been causing some anxiety and the unknown is making me feel down in the dumps so I am trying to tackle it head-on.
I am struggling to figure out how it will all work. I thought that I would go back early or, at the very least, go back part time before the year was up. Now I have all these doubts. How do I feel about having someone else take care of my baby when he is so young? Will I feel that I am missing out on him growing up and watching him learn? They change so much in the first year! Will I ever feel ready to go back to work full/part time? How will I afford any of this? Are these questions harder to answer because I don't know if I love my job?
I am carrying some guilt about taking the full year off. I
work at a small company that is male-dominated. I am the only
professional female there. I am the first person to take maternity leave
at the company. I feel that I should be stepping up and getting back to work ASAP. It doesn't help the guilty feelings when the boss makes off-handed comments about how his wife only took 3 months off. Granted, they are not pressuring me to return early, although they have mentioned that they would like to have me back as soon as I can. And it makes me feel guilty. Will this effect my position in the company in the future? Will this change my chances of becoming a partner?
I have decided that no matter when I decide to/have to go back to work it is going to be hard. I will miss being with my son every day. Don't get me wrong, I do miss my job and having a career right now, but I will miss my son when I go back. So maybe part time work (at least at the beginning) makes sense.
The next question I try to tackle is finances. My ideal plan would be to ease back into working part time (either before the year is up or at the one year mark). But how will I be able to work it out financially? Most day cares require that you pay for full time care when your child is so young regardless of if your child is there full time or part time. Full time daycare is expensive and would mean that my part time salary would not have a lot left over to pay for other household/living expenses. To me that means that going back to work part time before the year is up doesn't really make much sense financially. Maybe I would try part time once the year is up and just suffer financially for a few more months...?
Finally, I have messed up the whole thought process by asking myself if I really like my job and do I really want to/see myself doing this job for the rest of my life? I don't know. This is a whole other can of worms. I don't mind my job, but there have been a few times in the past when I have hated it. But what would I love to do? What would make me happy (and make decent money)? And how do I decide what to try and do? What if it means more school? Starting from the bottom again? Am I ready for any or all of these things? I don't want to just stay where I am because it is easier. I want to be happier overall, and a person's career is a major part of their day to day life. But what if I go through all the time and effort of making a change
(read: going back to school) just to find out that I am not happier at
the new job?
In the end I am left with more questions. Questions about money, time, and if there is a better job (ie a job that is better suited for me, not just something that pays better) out there for me. And one final question: How do I go about figuring all of this out?
Talking it out like this is usually my first step. My next step is usually to sleep on it - keep moving forward while I think about these things in the back of my head. Hopefully I will be able to come to some sort of subconscious understanding of what I really want/need to do or, at the very least, come up with some strategies for tackling these problems and finding solutions.
In the meantime, I find the best medicine is to put my head down and accomplish some things that will help me feel better on a day to day basis while my mind stews on these issues. I am making myself a list of things that need to get done around the house and projects that I have started and need to finish. I am a goal-oriented person, so these short term goals will help me to be positive while I work on the big picture.
I am going to look on the bright side now. I guess after thinking it through I am going to take the full year off after all. At least this gives me some time right now to work though these thoughts and try to decide what I would like to do. All that's left is to gently break this news to my boss...
Wednesday 15 January 2014
Sunday 12 January 2014
Deep Breath and Let it Go
Sickness has made it's way through our house and we are finally coming
out on the other side. For days I could hardly get up, let alone take
care of my little munchkin. Next our son got sick and the two of us were
down and out. Thank goodness for my husband, who didn't get sick, who
was able to be around and take care of our son and keep the household
running (relatively) smoothly. I am still not feeling 100% yet, but I am
so thankful that I am now able to make it through the day and look
after our son when my husband has to work. Thank goodness for the small
things. One thing about being sick is that it helps you to appreciate
your good health once it returns.
Being sick over the last couple of days has caused my project to be temporarily on hold. Over those days I felt a small amount of quilt over not 'keeping up' or 'checking in' on the blog entries. Then I stopped to think about myself. What do I need right now? Soup, rest, TLC. Should I really feel guilty over something that I am trying to do to be happier? An interesting question. While part of me wanted this project to be a challenge and I wanted to do/write something every day so that I would be making the effort and not giving up, the other part of me was thinking 'Are you crazy? You're sick! This isn't about being lazy, or giving up. This is about what you need to do for yourself and your family right now. Right now guilt over not blogging is not what you need.'
And, of course, that second part of me was right. I still have an occasional back of the mind thought about how I should have written or done something while sick, but I am taking a breath and letting it go. Why feel guilty about something like that when the reason for this project is to feel good? It's little things like this that I am trying to work on letting go of so that I can live my life and enjoy the good stuff instead of dwelling on and feeling bad about the little things. Giving myself a break and cutting myself some slack from time to time sure does feel better than feeling guilty. So, I take a deep breath and let it go.
It is not like I abandoned my happiness project while sick. Although not actively trying to think about things during the day and reflecting at night, I tried to do less sick whining (although that did happen) and more loving. When my husband asked for cream for his dry hands, instead of passing it to him I rubbed it in on his hands since I know he loves it. I know, not much effort on my part right? Yet I wouldn't always do it in the past. There was always an excuse in my head. I'm too tired. Why should I do that for him if he doesn't do it for me? I know he loves it and I hope that these small things will make him happier and in turn may help to improve our relationship.
I have now picked up and am starting to read a copy of Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. It promises to be a good read and I am hoping to use some ideas from it to help track my own happiness project and inspire my efforts. Gretchen's project seems to have been very well researched and thought out before her start on January 1st. Mine, on the other hand, was an abstract thought until just before New Year's when I decided I would try something new. It will be more fluid and will evolve over the year. I think at first I will be exploring thoughts and themes of happiness for me and what I think might work and what is important to me. Then I will look at ways to implement these changes. So I guess not so different from Gretchen at all, just on a different timeline. She worked through the thought process and research ahead of time to start implementation on January 1st. I will get there too, in my own time.
Being sick over the last couple of days has caused my project to be temporarily on hold. Over those days I felt a small amount of quilt over not 'keeping up' or 'checking in' on the blog entries. Then I stopped to think about myself. What do I need right now? Soup, rest, TLC. Should I really feel guilty over something that I am trying to do to be happier? An interesting question. While part of me wanted this project to be a challenge and I wanted to do/write something every day so that I would be making the effort and not giving up, the other part of me was thinking 'Are you crazy? You're sick! This isn't about being lazy, or giving up. This is about what you need to do for yourself and your family right now. Right now guilt over not blogging is not what you need.'
And, of course, that second part of me was right. I still have an occasional back of the mind thought about how I should have written or done something while sick, but I am taking a breath and letting it go. Why feel guilty about something like that when the reason for this project is to feel good? It's little things like this that I am trying to work on letting go of so that I can live my life and enjoy the good stuff instead of dwelling on and feeling bad about the little things. Giving myself a break and cutting myself some slack from time to time sure does feel better than feeling guilty. So, I take a deep breath and let it go.
It is not like I abandoned my happiness project while sick. Although not actively trying to think about things during the day and reflecting at night, I tried to do less sick whining (although that did happen) and more loving. When my husband asked for cream for his dry hands, instead of passing it to him I rubbed it in on his hands since I know he loves it. I know, not much effort on my part right? Yet I wouldn't always do it in the past. There was always an excuse in my head. I'm too tired. Why should I do that for him if he doesn't do it for me? I know he loves it and I hope that these small things will make him happier and in turn may help to improve our relationship.
I have now picked up and am starting to read a copy of Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. It promises to be a good read and I am hoping to use some ideas from it to help track my own happiness project and inspire my efforts. Gretchen's project seems to have been very well researched and thought out before her start on January 1st. Mine, on the other hand, was an abstract thought until just before New Year's when I decided I would try something new. It will be more fluid and will evolve over the year. I think at first I will be exploring thoughts and themes of happiness for me and what I think might work and what is important to me. Then I will look at ways to implement these changes. So I guess not so different from Gretchen at all, just on a different timeline. She worked through the thought process and research ahead of time to start implementation on January 1st. I will get there too, in my own time.
Sunday 5 January 2014
Can you can have it all - and smile too?
Friday night was a great night out. Although I was tired Saturday, it was amazing to get out and be myself again instead of being a mother all the time. The dance floor was pretty empty so the girls and I had lots of space to dance just like old times. A huge thanks to my husband for being such a trooper and being OK with me taking a night (and the following morning) off.
This morning we took time for ourselves and went to yoga while the grandparents watched our son. I was smiling just waiting for the class to start! An hour or two when I don't have to watch my son; some time out with my husband; a yoga class to make me feel great! I couldn't have asked for a better morning. :)
This afternoon the stars aligned and our son played happily in his jolly jumper while my husband and I cut up vegetables to make salsa. With some juggling of the baby this afternoon we managed to make a bunch of jars of salsa, wash both of the cars, shovel the driveway, clean the bathrooms, and walk the dog - all before 6:00 pm!
This weekend has given me lots to smile about. I have been able to have it all: some time for myself, some quality family time, and some cleaning and cooking accomplishments. Once again it was nothing in particular that made this weekend great, but I think changing my perspective about things has really helped me feel great about each day. Maybe this is the key? Not trying to accomplish anything spectacular or grand each day, but to appreciate the small things that make life special. So far it seems to be working for me.
This morning we took time for ourselves and went to yoga while the grandparents watched our son. I was smiling just waiting for the class to start! An hour or two when I don't have to watch my son; some time out with my husband; a yoga class to make me feel great! I couldn't have asked for a better morning. :)
This afternoon the stars aligned and our son played happily in his jolly jumper while my husband and I cut up vegetables to make salsa. With some juggling of the baby this afternoon we managed to make a bunch of jars of salsa, wash both of the cars, shovel the driveway, clean the bathrooms, and walk the dog - all before 6:00 pm!
This weekend has given me lots to smile about. I have been able to have it all: some time for myself, some quality family time, and some cleaning and cooking accomplishments. Once again it was nothing in particular that made this weekend great, but I think changing my perspective about things has really helped me feel great about each day. Maybe this is the key? Not trying to accomplish anything spectacular or grand each day, but to appreciate the small things that make life special. So far it seems to be working for me.
Friday 3 January 2014
Mommy's Night Out
Many of my posts will end up including my son for the simple reason that he is such a big part of my life. My son was born this past summer (2013) and he is our first child. It has been a life changer. All the sayings about having a baby are true: "I really miss my old life, but I wouldn't change a thing."; "It is really hard."; "It is a lot of work". I never really understood these things until I too was a Mom.
As with many pre-moms, I thought I might be different. Things wouldn't change that much. How hard could it really be? I will be Super Mom! I had a good job with potential for growth. My career and personal life were important to me. We didn't go out a lot, but my husband and I enjoyed movies, dinners out, camping, hiking, etc. We'd just strap in the kid and bring him along!
But life has changed. And it is not all bad, it is just different. And it has taken some time to get used to. It takes more time to get out the door in the morning. It takes more planning to go on an outing. It takes more stuff too. How can a baby need so much stuff? We still do lots of things and get out a lot, but we have had to modify our timeline and our expectations. We stayed overnight in a cottage when he was six weeks old. We went hiking when he was a few weeks old (albeit not that far). We are planning to travel this winter with him, just not to anywhere crazy.
For me, getting used to the fact that my life has changed has taken some time. I used to run projects at work, organize contractors, talk to clients. Now I am at home with my son on maternity leave and my big decisions are: What should he wear today? Does he have a dirty diaper? Why is he crying now? This is what my life had been reduced to! And I wasn't sure if I was OK with it.
I am now starting my 6th month of maternity leave and I am finally at peace with these changes. It has helped to become part of a Moms group, and to have daily plans of things to do like swimming and going to the library. I miss being at work and the personal time I used to have to do the things I love, but I can't imagine going back to work yet and having someone else look after my son. He is so young still, and he is now starting to be more fun and interactive. How can I go back to work and miss all of his daily changes?
Tonight is my first night out with the girls since my son was born. I am super excited to get out and do something for myself, but will also miss being home with my husband and son. We are putting him to bed now and I will soon start to get ready to go out. I feel like I am almost ready for bed myself! When did I get so old? Tonight we will be heading to the bar at a time I would normally be thinking of going to bed. I have been half dreading tonight all day. I am really looking forward to going out, but not looking forward to how I will feel tomorrow when I still have to operate and take care of a baby when I am tired and potentially hungover. For his part my husband has been really good - he is all set up for feedings tonight and in the early morning so I can have a break. Bring on the night on the town!!!
Here we go! I need to do this so that I can not just feel like a mom all the time but also feel like myself again. Tonight is about me :)
As with many pre-moms, I thought I might be different. Things wouldn't change that much. How hard could it really be? I will be Super Mom! I had a good job with potential for growth. My career and personal life were important to me. We didn't go out a lot, but my husband and I enjoyed movies, dinners out, camping, hiking, etc. We'd just strap in the kid and bring him along!
But life has changed. And it is not all bad, it is just different. And it has taken some time to get used to. It takes more time to get out the door in the morning. It takes more planning to go on an outing. It takes more stuff too. How can a baby need so much stuff? We still do lots of things and get out a lot, but we have had to modify our timeline and our expectations. We stayed overnight in a cottage when he was six weeks old. We went hiking when he was a few weeks old (albeit not that far). We are planning to travel this winter with him, just not to anywhere crazy.
For me, getting used to the fact that my life has changed has taken some time. I used to run projects at work, organize contractors, talk to clients. Now I am at home with my son on maternity leave and my big decisions are: What should he wear today? Does he have a dirty diaper? Why is he crying now? This is what my life had been reduced to! And I wasn't sure if I was OK with it.
I am now starting my 6th month of maternity leave and I am finally at peace with these changes. It has helped to become part of a Moms group, and to have daily plans of things to do like swimming and going to the library. I miss being at work and the personal time I used to have to do the things I love, but I can't imagine going back to work yet and having someone else look after my son. He is so young still, and he is now starting to be more fun and interactive. How can I go back to work and miss all of his daily changes?
Tonight is my first night out with the girls since my son was born. I am super excited to get out and do something for myself, but will also miss being home with my husband and son. We are putting him to bed now and I will soon start to get ready to go out. I feel like I am almost ready for bed myself! When did I get so old? Tonight we will be heading to the bar at a time I would normally be thinking of going to bed. I have been half dreading tonight all day. I am really looking forward to going out, but not looking forward to how I will feel tomorrow when I still have to operate and take care of a baby when I am tired and potentially hungover. For his part my husband has been really good - he is all set up for feedings tonight and in the early morning so I can have a break. Bring on the night on the town!!!
Here we go! I need to do this so that I can not just feel like a mom all the time but also feel like myself again. Tonight is about me :)
Thursday 2 January 2014
Bloging: My Guilty Pleasure
Just to clear the air before this whole this gets going - this will not just be a blog on happiness tools/tips/trials, but since writing itself makes me feel good, I am sure that much of this blog will contain my random thoughts and musings on my life in general. On good days this will be a great way to reflect on my life, on tougher days it will be my way to talk through things and help get them out of my system so that I can get beyond them and move on with my life. As with many people, I find that I have the need to think through/talk through things that bother or upset me before I can let them go and move on to bigger and better things.
This blog will be my guilty little pleasure - something I have thought about doing for a long time, but have never got around to doing. Now with the new year starting and my resolution to make changes in my life that will make me happier, I have had the push I need to get going.
Last night I lay in bed before sleep and reflected on the day. My husband and I had taken our son on his first sled ride on the sled we had bought him for Christmas. He enjoyed the ride to Grandma and Grandpa's house, where we played a spontaneous game of Euchre. On the way home he fell asleep on the sled ride. It was a fun and magical moment to see him experience and enjoy something for the first time. Being able to watch him experience his 'firsts' is amazing and is something that brings me joy every day.
Tonight I will think again about my day and the past days leading up to it. I will think about the happy moments - today my son and I visited a friend and we got to catch up while the kids played; we snuggled under a warm blanket while he took a nap; he tasted avocado for the first time and made a bunch of really goofy faces. It was by no means an adventurous or exciting or groundbreaking day, but it was a good day.
At this time of night I often think of what I would have liked to have been different during the day. Most of it I wouldn't care to change, but what about some of the small things? Could I have done something different to make a change? Would I feel better for it?
After our son went to bed, I watched a movie on the couch with my husband. We lay side by side under a blanket and it seemed we snuggled more for warmth than to be together. I could have reached out more to actually snuggle and have the warm fuzzy feeling but I didn't. He didn't really either. There is no reason for it - I was mostly just tired and didn't want to put the 'effort' in. Looking back, would it have been much 'effort'? This is when my brain starts to run away with itself - did he not snuggle me because he doesn't care? Or was he, like me, tired after a long day and didn't put in the 'effort' to be extra caring and loving?
And so my brain races on, and as I write I vow to stop myself. Why can I not put in this effort and make it so? Will snuggling with him make us both feel happier and loved?
Today's resolution: Although I cannot change the past, after posting this I will go upstairs and climb into bed and SNUGGLE and tell him how much I love him. We will both feel warm and fuzzy. Next time I will put in the 'effort' since it seems we have so little time to ourselves since our son was born. I hope these things can help change our habits so that it no longer feels like an 'effort' and just becomes second nature.
Wednesday 1 January 2014
My Very Own Happiness Project
Last night I fell asleep smiling. This doesn't happen all the time. Don't get me wrong - I am not an unhappy person. I just don't always feel happy. Most of the time I think I am too busy thinking about what I have to do next: chores to be done, lists on items to check off, appointments to keep, things to buy, do, see, eat, make etc etc. It is overwhelming, and I think that sometimes all of these things get in the way of people realizing how happy they are. I believe that is the way it is for me.
A few years ago, while on a work trip away from home, I listened to a CBC radio show where they interviewed Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Happiness Project. Gretchen talked about how she made a point to put in the time and effort into doing the things that made her happy and how it actually made her feel happier overall. I have been meaning to read the book ever since hearing the broadcast, but as with many other things, life caught up with me and this too was forgotten.
The end of an old year is often a time to reflect on the past and look to the future. We tend to view the New Year as a time of renewal and change and we often make grand plans to make our lives better. Although any day could be the day you decide to change, for some reason the turn of the year has us all thinking about what we can do to make our lives better moving forward.
Last night as the clock counted down the last hours of 2013 I too was caught up thinking about my life - reflecting on the past and looking toward the future and how I want my life to be. This year instead of my typical half-hearted resolution to eat better and exercise more I decided that I should try something different. I remembered hearing about The Happiness Project and I wondered if there were things that I could do to make myself happier overall - to feel content with myself and my life as it is; to stop and reflect on my life and to do things (even small things) or make changes (to my lifestyle, thought process etc.) that would help me to realize how happy I already am and would help make me feel happier overall. I figured I could document my 'journey' through 2014 on a blog - a place where I (and others?) could follow my path and look back at this happiness experiment to see what worked (and didn't work) and how my life and feelings have evolved over time.
And so, with this in mind, as I lay in bed after the clock struck midnight and 2014 officially began, I started making a mental list of things that made me happy. The list contained things I was thankful for, things that I liked to do, things that made me smile to think about - from the simple things to the more complex. Before long, as I was laying in bed with my eyes closed thinking of all these things that made me feel good I realized I was smiling.
My list went something like this:
So, for me, the start of my very own happiness project is this reflection on the things that I have that make me happy and some thought of the things I enjoy doing so that I can make a point of doing these things more each day. My starting point will be to try and take the time and enjoy my happy moments as they happen each day and before bed think of these things as I close my eyes and drift off the sleep. Who wouldn't want to go to bed smiling every night?
A few years ago, while on a work trip away from home, I listened to a CBC radio show where they interviewed Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Happiness Project. Gretchen talked about how she made a point to put in the time and effort into doing the things that made her happy and how it actually made her feel happier overall. I have been meaning to read the book ever since hearing the broadcast, but as with many other things, life caught up with me and this too was forgotten.
The end of an old year is often a time to reflect on the past and look to the future. We tend to view the New Year as a time of renewal and change and we often make grand plans to make our lives better. Although any day could be the day you decide to change, for some reason the turn of the year has us all thinking about what we can do to make our lives better moving forward.
Last night as the clock counted down the last hours of 2013 I too was caught up thinking about my life - reflecting on the past and looking toward the future and how I want my life to be. This year instead of my typical half-hearted resolution to eat better and exercise more I decided that I should try something different. I remembered hearing about The Happiness Project and I wondered if there were things that I could do to make myself happier overall - to feel content with myself and my life as it is; to stop and reflect on my life and to do things (even small things) or make changes (to my lifestyle, thought process etc.) that would help me to realize how happy I already am and would help make me feel happier overall. I figured I could document my 'journey' through 2014 on a blog - a place where I (and others?) could follow my path and look back at this happiness experiment to see what worked (and didn't work) and how my life and feelings have evolved over time.
And so, with this in mind, as I lay in bed after the clock struck midnight and 2014 officially began, I started making a mental list of things that made me happy. The list contained things I was thankful for, things that I liked to do, things that made me smile to think about - from the simple things to the more complex. Before long, as I was laying in bed with my eyes closed thinking of all these things that made me feel good I realized I was smiling.
My list went something like this:
- My loving and healthy family
- Hugs and kisses from my husband
- Smiles and giggles from my son
- My cat and dog
- Our cozy house
- My friends
- Hiking, camping, canoeing
- Playing soccer and other sports
- Baking
- Singing
- Acting/being in a play
- Traveling
- Adventures
- Reading a good book
- Snuggling under a warm blanket on a cold day
- Laying in front of a warm fire
- Watching stars on a dark night
- Remembering past trips/adventures
- Photography
- Writing
- Crafts and sewing
- Getting a massage/being pampered
- Feeling like I have accomplished something
- Dancing
- Yoga
- Playing games
So, for me, the start of my very own happiness project is this reflection on the things that I have that make me happy and some thought of the things I enjoy doing so that I can make a point of doing these things more each day. My starting point will be to try and take the time and enjoy my happy moments as they happen each day and before bed think of these things as I close my eyes and drift off the sleep. Who wouldn't want to go to bed smiling every night?
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